Shalom and thank you for your question! Should you be the one to initiate forgiveness? In short – yes.
It does not lessen the honor of the parent to ask forgiveness, on the contrary, you are setting a good example.
There are many levels of forgiveness though, as many as there are levels of emotional and spiritual awareness.
On a superficial level, it is like an entry pass to enable the parties in question to function as they would normally, communicating by telephone or visiting…
On a deeper level, it is a good idea to try to contemplate on what led to the conflict in the first place. Have I really tried to understand where my daughter was coming from? What ‘sets her off’ and why?
Sometimes this can be a frustrating process, or it can touch on past traumas.
That’s why it’s a good idea to have a person you respect who knows how to listen, in order to help you achieve an objective outlook.
In Pirkei Avot, (also known as Ethics of the Fathers, a tractate of Mishna,) the Sages recommend ‘make yourself a Rabbi and acquire for yourself a friend.’
This means that we all need a spiritual mentor, someone we respect who is more knowledgeable than we are in Judaism, with whom we can discuss our life situation from time to time, and see where we need to improve, or where we need to give ourselves a break! You see, sometimes we are too hard on ourselves, and sometimes too soft. It’s natural, and that’s why it’s important to have someone outside of ourselves.
The second part of the sentence, ‘acquire for yourself a friend, ‘ means that we should invest time/ effort/ or even money in having a friend who shares your spiritual goals and can also help you be objective about yourself.
There is a Chassidic saying that when two Jews communicate about their spiritual goals, it is two good inclinations against one evil one. How does this work? What does ‘evil inclination ‘ mean? It is not some devil with a pitchfork, but rather the natural inclination we all have to do just what suits us, without taking others into account. That’s why if we are sharing good ideas or goals, according to the Torah, it’s two good inclinations against one evil one. The good inclination cares about the next person, so its mutual- there are two. The ‘evil’ one only cares about itself, so effectively its like one…
It’s beautiful to hear from someone who wants to achieve peace and harmony within the family, that’s what we all need!
The Sages also teaches us that ‘in the path a person desires to go, he is led,’ meaning that since you are seeking to do the right thing, G-d will help you achieve your goal!
May you be blessed with a sweet and happy New Year!
