Ask The Rabbi

Ask The Rabbi

category:  Chassidut

Someone’s bugging me

The Rav Name: Rabbi Yitzchak Arad

Hi! There is someone in my life, close to me, that I have to be around a lot. But most of the times we are together we get into a conflict. I don’t know what to call it, we lack chemistry, our energies are not compatible. Everything I say she pokes at and bugs me about and has an issue with. And most things that she says annoys me too.

I just spent an hour in the car with her and we ended up arguing. Then it was over, and for the rest of the car ride, every new conversation that came up she would say something in a way that provoked me again. But because I already felt bad about the initial argument I tried to muster every ounce of self control in me to keep my mouth closed. I know I came off rude, but what can I do? If I speak to her it will be an argument. She has a problem with every word I say and every thing I do and she annoys me like crazy. And i usually answer back and I struggle with not answering back. I’m so upset at myself for caring and not being able to brush it off. Maybe I could brush it off a few times but not so often! I see this person nearly every day and I know she means well, but like I said, our energies are just not compatible. I don’t feel like I have the right tools to handle this and I’m not sure what to do. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you for your time.

Shalom and thank you for your question. You wish to improve your relationship with someone close to you, but you also mention that you are upset with yourself for  caring and you try to brush it off. Brushing it off will not work, and you can be PROUD of yourself for caring. It means you haven’t lost your sensitivity in a world where society around you is busy rushing off to undefined goals which are not always noble or even well thought out, to say the least.


Is it possible that I hear in this relationship you are describing that this person you are describing is actually quite – or very – important in some way to you, as you are to her? People who are constantly getting upset with each other are often people who need each other. When people need each other, they also have expectations of one another. Perhaps it might be possible to actually sit down and speak with her, and redefine your expectations of each other. If you don’t think that would work as a mutual project, there would nevertheless be value in your sitting with YOURSELF and at least redefining your own expectations of her, and trying to ascertain what you think she expects of you.


It is difficult to advise you without knowing the nature of your relationship, and whether is a familial one or a business relationship. There are however some points which are relevant to every type of relationship. One tip is to try to see things the way the other person does, DESPITE the differences between you. How can you accomplish this? You can try role reversal…

In the tractate of Pirkei Avot 2:5 (Ethics of the Fathers) it says “do not judge your fellow until you stand in his place.” You can’t ever be fully in his place and therefore cannot judge him, but, you can TRY to imagine what the other is experiencing and why he reacts as he does.


If for example you tend to be a little late and the other person is a stickler for being on time as precisely as a Swiss watch, you can contemplate how  it might stress them out when they have to wait… Another possible scenario is jealousy. Jealousy is a very wide-ranging emotion. One can be jealous of a person’s possessions, power, family situation, beauty, or of his virtues! We are in the Torah portion of Korach, who was a relative of Moses. Korach felt that because he was a relative of Moses and a scholar, he should have been appointed as a Cohen Gadol (a high priest,) rather than Aharon and his sons, (who were appointed by G-d and not by the whim of Moses or Aharon.) The Lubavitcher Rebbe explains that Moses tried to communicate to Korach that he, Moses himself, also wanted to be the high priest- because it was a holy privilege, but it was a G-d given one, and therefore good goals aside, it was not up to any person to decide, because G-d decided. So there is a legitimate form of jealousy. Moses’ jealousy only directed him to respect others and learn from them, striving to improve himself. The matriarch Rachel was jealous of her sister Leah’s fertility – not because of it’s physical manifestation, but because she felt that perhaps Leah had greater merit due to her virtues and therefore G-d answered her prayers. This is a positive kind of jealousy that can lead to improvements in one’s service of G-d – in performing one’s mission on earth. So perhaps you and your relative/partner/friend are actually jealous of some privilege/virtue or other attribute that you believe the other possesses?


There is an antidote for this. Each of you can focus on the positive attributes of the other and highlight them and reflect them back to her. This is because when a person has healthy self esteem it will take the edge off the negative type of jealousy. Again, at least if you cannot expect the other person to do these things, you can try to do them yourself.


In Proverbs 27:19 it says “as water reflects a face, so one heart reflects another…” when you sincerely try to contemplate and discover the other person’s good points,  it will arouse a similar process by the other person! Much success in your work!



Addendum:

Sorry but I neglected to point out that we need to focus on and highlight our own good points in order to have healthy self esteem – but interestingly enough – many of us refuse to believe in our good points. Thus when we do it for the next person,  at some point it will be reciprocal and we will believe goid things about ourselves because those around us pointed them out!



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