Ask The Rabbi

Ask The Rabbi

category:  Chassidut

Shalom.A divorced couple with children may they spend holydays and other celebration together?Toda Rabbah

The Rav Name: Rabbi Yitzchak Arad

Shalom.
A divorced couple with children may they spend holydays and other celebration together?

Toda Rabbah

Shalom and thank you for your question. You wish to know how to behave with regard to meetings between divorced parents and their children. It is good to hear that both the ex-husband and the ex-wife are concerned about the education of their children, and about making holidays a positive experience.  We will get back to that later…





Jewish law,  Halacha, makes it clear that divorced couples must definitely not socialize. Marriage is a G-dly institution. Once the bonds of marriage have been severed, the couple are free to find new spouses,  unless the ex-husband is a Cohen, in which case he can remarry, but only with a widow or a single woman who has not been married. If a divorced couple wish to remarry each other they may, provided that the wife did not enter into marriage bonds with another man in between. Thus, the divorced couple have entered a new chapter in their lives. Jewish law does not allow intimate relationships between people who are not married to each other. For this reason,  once a couple is divorced, they must avoid all social contact.


Regarding the couple’s children, of course the parents must ensure that they do everything in their power to nurture and educate their children. Children of divorced parents are often in need of even more love and attention than others. However ways must be sought to avoid social contact between the parents. When they need to make arrangements or discuss matters concerning the children, they should try to make do with text messages or emails,  and only meet in person if absolutely unavoidable. In such a case they should observe the laws of ‘yichud’, isolation with members of the opposite sex. This means that men and women (who are not married to each other) above the ages of nine for a boy and three for a girl should not be alone together in a place where no one else is able or likely to come in. Jewish law also takes into account the effect people’s actions have on the people around them… it should not appear to others that the divorced couple have social contact. This would weaken the institution of marriage in people’s eyes, as well as possibly leading to prohibited behavior,  since a divorced couple is not allowed to have physical contact, and for that matter neither are any male and female not married to each other,  other than parents and grandparents with their children and grandchildren.


If a husband is visiting the children, it is preferable that the meeting not take place in the ex-wife’s home, and if it does, the ex-wife should not be present,  and vice versa. If the ex-wife is visiting children in the home of the ex-husband,  he should not be present.


Back to the children’s Shabbat or holiday experience, it is of course very challenging to be a single parent and provide a pleasant and educational Shabbat atmosphere. However many single parents do just that. Some get invited out to other families – where there is a father image at the table as well as a mother, some develop their own cozy atmosphere at home, sometimes inviting guests,  and some do a combination of both. The children often spend one Shabbat with one parent and another Shabbat with another parent. Despite the fact that the ex-spouses are not engaging in social contact, educational issues are discussed so that the children can develop well. One needs to practice creativity and think ‘out of the box’.


From your question something is unclear. If the ex-spouses are getting along well enough to contemplate spending holidays with their children – together, perhaps they did not need to get divorced? If as I mentioned above they have not been married to anyone else in the meantime and the husband is not a Cohen, perhaps a good therapist could help resolve issues and bring them together. This in fact would actually be a Mitzvah, but only if the above conditions are met and the couple has undergone a process of learning how to understand themselves and each other.


It cannot be emphasized enough that it is of crucial importance to have a spiritual mentor in your life,  as it say in Ethics of the fathers, chapter 1:6, “Make (take) for yourself a Rabbi and acquire a friend.” Every person whether married or not, needs a spiritual mentor. There needs to be a person that you can regularly consult with about matters of Jewish law, and about the Torah perspective on life’s challenges. A true friend can make you feel heard, and reflect back to you your dilemmas so that you can feel strengthened to meet challenges and make appropriate decisions in life. Ultimately love and fulfillment have to do with giving and receiving, and with the framework I am describing there are many opportunities to give and receive. This can prepare a person for a new marital relationship which will be good for all, G-d willing.



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