Shalom and thank you for your question. Your mother in law is in a hospice, and you wish to clarify how to behave in the sad event that there be a funeral. You do not wish to cause any unpleasant vibrations, to the living or to the dead.
One of the holiest things in Jewish thought is the family unit. G-d allows His Holy Name to be erased for the sake of marital harmony. (This refers specifically to a potential case of adultery mentioned in the Torah, but we are relating to the idea behind the details.) In other words, marital harmony, and by extension family harmony, is so important that it is worthwhile making tremendous sacrifices for it.
We believe that a Jewish person possesses a G-dly soul, which has inherent love for G-d, and strives to connect with everything that is true and good. Everything G-dly. We also possess physical drives which can be healthy or can pull us away from truth. When factors like our upbringing and environment are taken into account, we can take some wrong turns in the journey of our life.
After ‘a hundred and twenty’ when we ‘go upstairs,’ we undergo a purification process. We are in the world of truth, and see things from that perspective. Therefore when someone was lacking in a certain aspect of keeping Torah and Mitzvot, they are very happy to see their offspring making efforts to do those things the right way.
(By the way, the reason we wish people a hundred and twenty years of life, is because Moses lived that long, and he utilized his life to the maximum of his abilities in carrying out G-d’s will.)
Among the laws of respecting parents, is a law that if a parent should forbid a child to be in contact with a certain person because of a feud, the child is NOT obligated to listen to the parent.
So to truly honor your mother in law, the best thing you can do for the benefit of her soul is to try to bring about family harmony and unity. In fact, it is not necessary to wait for a funeral.
Can you make contact with the estranged daughter? Can you share these thoughts with her and have her visit her mother?
If her mother is conscious and might get upset then it might not be relevant. If however she is not conscious, it might make her passing easier!
You see, the connection between parent and child in Chassidic teaching is called a ‘kesher atzmi’, an essential connection. It goes way beyond fights and misunderstandings. Unfortunately there are situations where there have been circumstances so traumatic that the bond is broken to all extent and purposes. However in most cases there is an underlying lack when the external bond has been severed. The people involved are missing that essential bond.
It is very heartwarming that you are concerned to do the best you can to honor your mother in law.
It is always desirable to establish a relationship with a Rabbi who knows, or can get to know, the family, with whom you can share your thoughts and challenges. The tractate ‘Ethics of the Fathers’ recommends having such a connection with a Rabbi, and making efforts to cultivate a relationship with a friend who shares your positive goals and ideas and can support you in making good choices. Thus when dilemmas arise, you have a support system ready…
We hope this distressing time will pass as smoothly as possible, and may you only have good news.
Feel free to ask more questions…
