Hello Rabbi,
I’m hoping for some guidance from you. It may seem like I’m ranting but I have so much to get off my chest. I confide in my family usually but they can’t help me with this.
I hate my sister. I know it sounds horrible and I know we’re not allowed to hate anyone, let alone our sisters. And I don’t need to be reminded that I’m imperfect too, and that everyone around us is a mirror, etc. I hate her. I’ve fought this feeling my whole life and it has only gotten stronger with time, and even stronger the last few months. I wouldn’t mind cutting her off entirely but I can’t because of the rest of my family… so I don’t know what to do.
She verbally and emotionally abused me my entire childhood. I’m not using those terms lightly. It wasn’t just “sibling rivalry”, it was something malicious, constant, and intense. But, as my parents would tell me when I would cry or be angry or hurt, “it’s nothing personal, that’s just how she is, that’s how she talks to everyone”. No one ever puts her in her place. She is a monster of a person but she somehow casts a spell on everyone that they see her as a goddess. And that infuriates me even more, because why do they all worship her?! She is so mean. Almost everything that comes out of her mouth is painful to someone but she says it with a smile and a laugh (sometimes) and says “I have to tell you how it is, I have to be honest” as if she’s doing such a kindness by volunteering nasty things about each of us and everything we care about every time she sees us, or as if she’s doing such a kindness by calling us “not normal” or maliciously making fun of us if we don’t follow her exact lifestyle or share her exact tastes, even in silly matters.
Her husband surprised her with a gift for their daughter’s first birthday party. When she opened the box (I was there), she said with a serious face to him, “Ew this is so ugly, why would you get me something so ugly” – he said he wanted to get her something and she said “don’t get me something if you’re going to choose something so ugly” – she didn’t even say thank you! And she then went on to tell all her friends and family, as she always does, that her husband never gets her any gifts, and he never does anything for her. To defend him, I’ve lived with him for a few years by my parents when they were moving homes, and he runs at any chance to do things for her constantly, despite her nasty reactions all the time to him.
She is never grateful, never allows herself to appreciate anything or be happy, and has to bring everyone else down too. She’s been married about 20 years and they have been in a few large, expensive home rentals, and all she’s ever done, despite her husband’s one request that it hurts him when she says this so openly, and to please stop, all she does every day is complain that they don’t have a nice enough house. Anyway, his parents just gave him his inheritance and they gave him their home. It is one of the most expensive properties and homes in the community, and all she’s done since she got it is complain about it. I mean this literally- every minute of the day she is on the phone with her friends, then my mother, then her sisters in law, then her husband, saying how horrible the house is, it’s not her own, she doesn’t want it. She never once said, thank you for giving me a house when I wanted one so badly and we couldn’t afford one. Never once thanked her in laws for moving out of their beautiful and sentimental home for her. She only constantly mentions that there is a leak here, and a stain on the carpet there, etc. And her comments are hourly, or even more frequent.
I mind my own business and don’t shove my lifestyle choices in her face or anyone’s, but she constantly would make me feel like a pathetic freak because I don’t go to parties or have the same social circle as she had or would want for her kids. She criticizes my clothing (I dress more modestly- she doesn’t cover up), she criticizes what I am looking for in a husband and in a life because I don’t follow her exact path.
She is one of the biggest gossips that I know. She is almost constantly talking and she almost only ever talks about other people, and it’s rarely positive. She slanders a lot and makes sure to spread it to everyone she can think of. It’s a horrible thing to be on her tongue.
She needs to be complaining all the time. She can’t rest if she’s not upset about something. She needs to FIND things to have an issue with so she can be complaining. She literally can’t rest if things are smooth.
A few years ago, I was feeling repentant before Yom Kippur and I wanted to speak to her. I told her that we obviously don’t understand each other, but I will make more of an effort to try to understand her from now on. She responded that she DOES “understand me perfectly”, and then proceeded to tell me everything that she believes is “wrong” with me that I should fix. I know she is incapable of understanding another human mind or another human heart. I know she wasn’t made with that capacity. But I still don’t know how to react to her. I stayed calm on the phone and never attempted to bridge any gaps between us ever again. She can’t possibly know my issues anyway, because I do not confide in her. She knows nothing of my struggles or my strengths or my dreams or goals.
I was recently dating someone and broke up. I didn’t tell her the reason why I broke up because I don’t trust her to understand and I don’t trust her to keep from gossiping about him to the whole community. I did, however, tell her and my entire family that I am asking for not one negative word to be spoken about the boy to any one who asks about why I broke up with him. The rest of my family kept their word and always gave vague answers when people asked. She came into my room one day and said that people asked her why I broke up with the boy and she decided, “enough with the secrecy, I need to be honest” and she proceeded to tell them “the truth” (which was only her version of what she thinks happened and which was the farthest thing from the truth– she is a delusional liar and invented a story). I was so angry but I actually said nothing. I’ve learned that no matter what I say, it could never penetrate her brain, and she could NEVER see that she could have done something wrong.
And she lies all the time! She says people say and do things to her that never happened. My other sister and I were observing this because she was lying about us to each other and to everyone around her. I’m not sure if she recognizes that she’s lying or if she sees things extremely delusionally. To give her the benefit, I actually think it’s more that her mind is warped and delusional, I don’t think she’s intentionally lying, but I can’t be certain.
She is one of the most vain, superficial, and materialistic people. She won’t look at someone if their outfit isn’t worth thousands of dollars and she is ruining my sweet nieces by teaching them these values. She doesn’t have a heart. She doesn’t understand the value of sentimentality and that not everything valuable has a dollar sign on it, and not to criticize other people to death if they value things that money can’t buy. She likes to show off everything she has. She doesn’t understand or believe in modesty of any kind. And she can’t fathom that someone can disagree with her.
Everything has to be her way all the time. My brother is getting married and it is a custom in my community that the chatan’s mother buys many gifts for the kallah during the engagement period. My sister forced my mom to buy things – my mother didn’t want to argue, so even though my mother didn’t like things or thought it was too expensive, after a few months, she eventually gave in to all of my sister’s demands. And that drives me CRAZY! Why does she always get her way! I’m a little envious of that if I’m to be totally honest. She’s a psychotic person, but she always gets her way. And when I speak rationally to my mom and say, “this item is out of budget, AND you think it’s ugly, AND it’s useless, why are you buying this?” my mother disregards me and only listens to my sister’s demands…. That definitely stabs my ego, if I’m being honest with you…
My blood boils when I hear her voice and when I see her face and when I see how everyone adores her and how she makes my mother do whatever she wants, and how she has everyone wrapped around her finger and how she is so nasty to me and everyone and how and gets away with everything! She came over my house today to bully my mother into something and I was hearing it and it was making my blood boil. I was filling with rage and animosity and terrible feelings… and then by an absolute miracle, my grandfather called me that he needed help with something so I ran quickly out of the house.
I feel like she is a poisonous presence in my life. She is a toxic person. And i feel the poison spreading into me whenever I see her or hear her voice. Lately, even just hearing ABOUT her is causing the feelings to rise in me. She is a poisonous person and she is contaminating me! But I have to live with her. There is no question – I can’t move and she is not moving.
I try hard to say she is a child of Hashem and she has to have good somewhere inside of her. But I struggle to find it. I think her mind is diseased, there is no question. And I don’t want her in my life in this way, but I can’t control this. I am not willing to uproot my entire life and cut off the rest of my family, if i cut her off, but I don’t know what to do. I’m begging you to give some kind of advice, something that I can hold on to when she comes my way – every day. Rebuke me if you think it’s necessary and I’m being obnoxious, I won’t mind. Just please help me see this in a way that doesn’t make me want her out of my life forever.
Thank you so much for reading this and for your time.