Ask The Rabbi

Ask The Rabbi

category:  Chassidut

Parental abuse

The Rav Name: Rabbi Yitzchak Arad

I’m a councilor and one if my clients 18 yrs old is broken because her father smacks her and her older sister accross the face when he’s displeased with them. The older sister told him that it’s against the law. He screamed at her that is not correct according to Tora values. Please clarify.

Shalom and thank you for turning to us. You describe a situation where an eighteen year old girl is very broken over the fact that she and her sister suffer abuse, literally,  by the hand of their father. The father justifies himself with the claim that his actions are in accordance with Torah law. He may be referring to the well known maxim “Spare the rod spoil (literally ‘hate’) the child,” which is written in Proverbs 13:24. What is less well known however,  is the next part of that above-mentioned quote: “And he who loves him shall teach him ethics.” Commentaries add that if the intention had been to use physical punishment,  it should have said “And he who loves him shall strike him.” G-d forbid…

We find in book 1 of the prophet Samuel,  that the high priest in his time, Eli, had two sons who also served in the Sanctuary at Shiloh. Unfortunately they were wicked and committed despicable acts, abusing their elevated position. They would make women who had brought offerings after birth, wait needlessly for their turn. Instead of waiting for the sacrificial meat they were supposed to eat as Cohanim, priests, they would stick their forks into the meat, even when it was raw. Eli, for whatever reason,  did not rebuke them. G-d reprimanded him and told him that he would know that his repentance for this matter was accepted, when both sons would perish at the same time. This happened eventually and Eli then knew that he had successfully repented.


We understand from all the above that parents,  according to Torah outlook, are indeed enjoined to make sure that their children know appropriate boundaries and know the ethical way to live. However, just as the practice of torturing ONESELF is frowned upon in the last two or three centuries,  so is the practice of chastising  children harshly, frowned upon. In previous eras, pious people would try to achieve higher spiritual levels by practices such as rolling in the snow, sitting in a nest of insects, and fasting. Fasting was in fact very common,  to the point where many pious people would fast regularly on Mondays and Thursdays,  when the Torah was read. At some point in more recent times,  many Rabbis began to speak out against these practices,  explaining that the generations have become physically and spiritually weaker. Instead of fasting, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi for example,  (author of the Tanya and Shulchan Aruch HaRav,) teaches us to give charity continuously. It does not have to be large sums of money. It is desirable to contribute small sums very often,  so that we become accustomed to constant giving. This helps us atone for our wrongdoings and become closer to G-d. Of course this goes along with trying to keep the commandments in general including the mitzvah to love one’s fellow.


So also with education, while there were times when applying physical punishment to children was considered normal,  in recent generations it is totally frowned upon. According to Halacha, (based on the Talmudic discussion in tractate Mo’ed katan 17a,) a parent is not allowed to raise their hand to an older child, lest they strike the parent back and thereby incur severe punishment. The famous commentator Rabbeinu Bechayei, in his introduction to the book of Exodus, explains how one should ‘rebuke’ little by little,  until the words enter the (child’s) heart softly and gently, like gentle drops of water which when applied consistently,  can make a dent even in stone.


In the book of sayings called ‘HaYom Yom’, (compiled by the Lubavitcher Rebbe when he was a young man,) it says that it is desirable to spend a half an hour a day thinking and contemplating about the education of our children. This means that not only should we be very careful HOW we rebuke our children,  we should actually try to AVOID the need to do so by PLANNING how to teach them the Jewish values we believe in, in a happy, loving, and therefore an effective way. This, maintains the Rebbe’s father in law, Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Shneerson,  is as encumbent on the parent as is the mitzvah of putting on Tefillin.


The father who raises his hand may have reason to do so. The reasons however, are not necessarily connected to the behavior of his children,  but more likely are due to the following scenarios:


1. He himself was raised in a similar manner.

2. He feels insecure about his own value. It is possible that his family has become more highly educated than him for example… causing him to feel somewhat incompetent or incomplete compared to the standard he would like.

3. A combination of all the above, or simply a feeling of not living up to his own or someone else’s expectations.


The question remains, how to handle this delicate situation. You as the girl’s counselor,  need to help protect her interests. If it is possible for you to speak with the father yourself,  or arrange for a Rabbi who knows the family to do so, that opportunity could be used to explain all the above,  as well as explaining the outlook of the daughters’ generation. He needs to understand that it is counterproductive to yell and hit. Goals can be reached in a much more pleasant way, and there are people available with whom to consult, even on a regular basis. He should be validated regarding the positive things he DOES do, or positive goals he has, such as care and concern for his family/ community  – or any other positive attribute he has. Is there a mother in the picture- married to the father? Can she have positive influence on her husband or does she also need some coaching. Is she intimidated by her husband? These are important considerations.


The girls need to be encouraged to try to be understanding of their father/parents,  while doing their best to discourage their father from crossing boundaries. If this is not possible, counsel must be taken with a competent Rabbi as to whether or not the girls should temporarily distance themselves. The girls must do their best to maintain respect for their father. Even if they do at some point distance themselves, they should try to have compassion and understand that he probably did not get enough understanding himself in his childhood or at some later stage in his life.


The Torah values are eternal,  and the Torah values peace above many if not most other things in life. Every effort should be made to resolve the matter in a peaceful way, while respecting all of the parties involved!


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