Lashon Hara for a purpose
Shalom and thank you for your important question! The very fact that you care enough to clarify this matter elevates you and the world around you!
Indeed the Torah states in Leviticus 16:19 “Do not go as a talebearer amongst your people.” We must stay as far away as we can from even a hint of slander, or from spreading information unnecessarily. Even if a person has indeed behaved badly, the fact that it is true does not legitimize publicizing it, according to Jewish law. Nevertheless there are exceptions to this rule and your case MAY be one of them.
Generally, the exceptions to the above rule are in the case of partnerships for the sake of business or marriage. In these cases, it is forbidden to HOLD BACK information that could prevent someone getting hurt. In the case of business for example, if someone consults you about entering into a business relationship with a person who you know for SURE behaves unethically, or you know for sure that something else about the person disqualifies them from being a competent and reliable business partner, you should share this information but you must not exaggerate or G-d forbid insert any untruths ‘just to strengthen the point.’ Similarly, in the area of marriage partnerships, if you are asked about a person’s attributes you should answer honestly, but with great care. It is an extremely delicate matter with very fine boundaries. If you are asked for example, “Is Josh generally a happy person” and you don’t really think he is, you are obligated to think carefully. It could be, once you reflect on it, that Josh is not a SMILEY person, but unless you know for sure that Josh is generally the opposite of happy, you could say, “he doesn’t go jumping around for joy but I don’t think he’s depressed, he functions well” (if that is true). If you know for sure that Josh has a very negative energy, you could say it but be very careful not to exaggerate. Just as a judge must disqualify himself from judging a case (according to Jewish law) if he has any reason to judge subjectively, so here in these matters if you feel that you are asked about a person that you dislike, it is preferable that you refer the person making the enquiries to someone else, rather than give a subjective opinion.
In the case you bring, it can also be a very delicate matter. If the person who has ‘done bad’ to someone is a close family member, it depends on many factors. Has there been behavior that can be categorized as outright abuse? Has it been chronic? These are matters best assessed with someone who can give an objective opinion, which brings us to an important point. In Pirkei Avot 1:6 it says “make for yourself (take yourself) a Rabbi and acquire for yourself a friend.” In some cases a person who could not get along so well with a particular person could get along well with a different person, so that it can be very subjective. The injunction of the Sages to be connected to a Rabbi, a spiritual mentor, can greatly help. When you establish a relationship with a spiritual mentor who knows you, then he or she can advise you in these delicate situations. We need to have a competent Rabbi to whom we can turn for Halachic questions, and we need to have a spiritual mentor. It could be the same person or two different ones. Regarding ‘acquire yourself a friend’, it is also important to have a close friend who shares your spiritual goals and ideals. In fact, the ideal situation is to belong to a community of such people if possible.
In the case of situations involving people’s emotions, if a person wishes to unburden himself to you and share negative feelings about someone else with you, you may listen for the purpose of helping the person work through his or her feelings, but make a mental note that you are hearing only one side of the story and there is another side to it.
You indicate that the party who is to be spoken about, has treated you badly. As I explained above, it would be best to get advice from a professional counselor, or a respected Rabbi or mentor who knows at least one of the people involved or better still all of them if possible. Then you will be able to deal with the situation objectively.
We wish you success in dealing with the situation in the best way possible.
Happy Chanukah!
