Keeping the peace under difficult circumstances

The Rav Name: Rabbi Yitzchak Arad

Hi Rabbi,

I wanted to ask your advice about how to live with certain people in my life. It is a husband and wife and their 4 (young adult) children. The husband and wife are much older than me and the kids are all about my age.

I’m sorry to say they act dishonestly, selfishly, and sneakily, but they are part of my family circle.

Most of the time if it effects me, it’s just annoying, not terrible. Sometimes it could be more– that they are sick and know it (which I have proof for), but they tell me it’s just allergies, and then I end up bringing home their germs to someone I live with who it could be dangerous for if they get sick. And most recently it was something a little bigger…

I’m feeling hurt that I could be lied to and deceived, even to my detriment, by people who claim they care about me, and I’m also really angry that because of them I could have been the messenger for a lot of hurt unknowingly to other people I care about.

Needless to say, I can’t look at them right now. I can’t not have them in my life because they are important to people who are very important to me and we cross paths weekly if not daily.

If I smile at them when I see them today, is that being “one way with my mouth and another way with my heart”, which is a sin? If I say anything I don’t think it would accomplish anything except cause strife, as I highly doubt they will change. It is also a sin to cause a loss of peace, which would certainly come from that (as well as awkwardness) if I confront them. I am struggling internally not to hate them.

I know everyone has good in them, and everyone has their weaknesses, and that I have to reduce the size of my ego, and that everyone is a messenger from Gd, etc. I told myself that every day this summer when they aggravated me about things, so it lost its effectiveness for right now. And it’s one thing to tell myself “increase in faith” if I look upon this all as a memory, but I have to stare at them every week, if not every day, and constantly wonder if they are lying to me as they smile to my face and just knowing they are so selfish even to hurt me, is just not a comfortable feeling. I try to usually Forget it and act normal, because it’d be so awkward and tense otherwise, so I let my guard down until it gets really squashed again, and I feel hurt all over again. But this time, I’m just so revolted and so upset, more than the other times.

I normally go to my mother to vent and get advice but I don’t want her to have more reasons to be filled with the same feelings about them that I have.

How do I live among them and not be filled with hurt, anger, hate?

Thank you for your time.

Shalom and thank you for your question! It sounds like you are indeed in a complex situation.

Before trying to answer you partially, I just want to address your concern about ‘echad bapeh’ v’echad balev’, in other words a question of integrity. It is not a lack of integrity (as outlined by the Torah and by common sense,) to smile at someone even when your feelings are not there. Even if the people involved are truly not behaving in a moral fashion, the smile brings you closer to resolving the problem, and it strengthens you. It is not hypocritical.

To violate Torah values you would have to be friendly to them while actually doing something against them, and it doesn’t sound like this is the case. On the contrary, it sounds like you are making great efforts to live in peace and harmony with the people in question.

Another concern you raise is that of giving the benefit of the doubt. It seems that you have also been making mighty endeavors to do that, and this is truly admirable.

The question is though…today it can be very controversial, the matter of germs or viruses. It could be that these people sincerely believe that their approach to a particular issue is not harmful, and their lying is a ‘necessity’ in order to keep the peace.

In other words, they are perhaps not trying to deceive you, but rather they are having difficulty navigating a difficult situation. I appreciate that you are trying to communicate without G-d forbid slandering, and this is as it should be.

Unfortunately though, it is hard to give advice based on the information you share.

In the tractate ‘Ethics of the Fathers,’ also known as Pirkei Avot, the Sages advise us to ‘Make for yourself a Rabbi, and acquire for yourself a friend. ‘ I translate literally, because there is a reason for the choice of the words ‘make’ and ‘acquire’ as opposed to ‘take’ or some other verbs.

To develop a relationship with a mentor that can guide you takes work. Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves and sometimes too soft. To submit ourselves to the objective opinion of someone on the outside – and it should be someone who has more Torah knowledge than you, takes emotional maturity and effort.

Questions of Jewish law should definitely be addressed to a Halachic authority, and a personal mentor is needed to help and guide us with personal dilemmas and spiritual awareness. Such guidance is indispensable to living a balanced life.

Acquiring a friend also takes humility and persistence, in order to reach out and see how we can help him, to listen to his problems and share yours, and hear the the answer.

When you have a Rabbi and mentor, (they can be the same individual or two different ones,) and a friend who shares your ideals, yoy have a support system that helps you be objective and gives you tools for success.

It may be worthwhile discussing the situation you describe with a sympathetic Rabbi or spiritual mentor, (or a professional counselor sympathetic to Torah values,) in order to determine if, when, and how you should keep your distance from the people in question, or what alternative courses of action there might be.

The Torah also teaches us that ‘He who comes to be purified, receives purification.’

Your intentions are very good, may G-d help you achieve your goal of true peace and harmony physically and spiritually.

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DAAT CENTER - JUDAISM IN THE LIGHT OF KABALA AND CHASSIDUS

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Keeping the peace under difficult circumstances

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DAAT CENTER - JUDAISM IN THE LIGHT OF KABALA AND CHASSIDUS

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