Hi Rabbi,
I wanted to ask your advice about how to live with certain people in my life. It is a husband and wife and their 4 (young adult) children. The husband and wife are much older than me and the kids are all about my age.
I’m sorry to say they act dishonestly, selfishly, and sneakily, but they are part of my family circle.
Most of the time if it effects me, it’s just annoying, not terrible. Sometimes it could be more– that they are sick and know it (which I have proof for), but they tell me it’s just allergies, and then I end up bringing home their germs to someone I live with who it could be dangerous for if they get sick. And most recently it was something a little bigger…
I’m feeling hurt that I could be lied to and deceived, even to my detriment, by people who claim they care about me, and I’m also really angry that because of them I could have been the messenger for a lot of hurt unknowingly to other people I care about.
Needless to say, I can’t look at them right now. I can’t not have them in my life because they are important to people who are very important to me and we cross paths weekly if not daily.
If I smile at them when I see them today, is that being “one way with my mouth and another way with my heart”, which is a sin? If I say anything I don’t think it would accomplish anything except cause strife, as I highly doubt they will change. It is also a sin to cause a loss of peace, which would certainly come from that (as well as awkwardness) if I confront them. I am struggling internally not to hate them.
I know everyone has good in them, and everyone has their weaknesses, and that I have to reduce the size of my ego, and that everyone is a messenger from Gd, etc. I told myself that every day this summer when they aggravated me about things, so it lost its effectiveness for right now. And it’s one thing to tell myself “increase in faith” if I look upon this all as a memory, but I have to stare at them every week, if not every day, and constantly wonder if they are lying to me as they smile to my face and just knowing they are so selfish even to hurt me, is just not a comfortable feeling. I try to usually Forget it and act normal, because it’d be so awkward and tense otherwise, so I let my guard down until it gets really squashed again, and I feel hurt all over again. But this time, I’m just so revolted and so upset, more than the other times.
I normally go to my mother to vent and get advice but I don’t want her to have more reasons to be filled with the same feelings about them that I have.
How do I live among them and not be filled with hurt, anger, hate?
Thank you for your time.