Is G-d out to ‘get’ me?

Shalom and thank you for turning to us. I am truly sorry to hear about the difficulties and challenges which you have suffered, and hope and pray that you will see significant improvement in the near future.

The Chassidic approach to this topic is that G-d is not out to punish us, rather, difficulties are there sometimes to cleanse us, and sometimes to stimulate spiritual growth.

We know that our father Abraham was a totally righteous person, yet G-d tested him with no less than ten difficult trials! One of those trials was the one that involved sacrificing his son, well actually, G-d never did say – G-d forbid –  Abraham, get up and kill your son. He said to bring him as a sacrifice. All along the intent was that Abraham should not harm the (then thirty-seven year old) boy, but rather it was a test to see if Abraham was WILLING to sacrifice everything. You see, Isaac represented the entire body of promises that G-d had made to Abraham concerning his being a father of a great and monotheistic nation that would sanctify G-d’s name and would receive the Torah at Mount Sinai and be led to the Holy land of Israel. So for Abraham to be willing to take the son that was to inherit him was something that seemed to run not only against logic, but against the Divine purpose! We see however, that Abraham did not hesitate, despite it not making any sense. He loved G-d, and if G-d saw fit to suddenly change his requests, who was he, Abraham, to question him?

We are usually not required in our lifetimes to make quite such bizarre sacrifices, but there are situations like yours where one can hardly find anything in our lives of redeeming value, or so it seems.

We are here for the struggle. It may sound easy to say, but it is the truth. In the struggle, we find treasures to grow from.

You ask how to repent. That is beautiful, that you have the humility to turn the question back on yourself rather than seeking whom to blame. Truly beautiful!

The Hebrew word for repentance is Teshuvah. Teshuvah in Hebrew forms the letters ‘Tashuv Hei’, meaning; return the letter Hei – where to? To G-d’s name. In Torah study, G-d has many names. In Kabbalah it is explained that one of G-d’s names, called the Tetragrammaton, is the name – like a spiritual formula – by which G-d created and continues to recreate the physical world. It is spelled with the Hebrew letters Yud – Hei and then Vav – Hei. The first Hei represents G-dliness in the upper realms, while the second Hei is called the lower Hei. When we act as we should, the lower Hei remains whole, when we don’t, we are causing damage to that lower Hei. By changing our ways, specifically in a spirit of joy, we repair the damage done to the lower Hei.

You mention several areas of difficulty. Health, relationships… In the tractate Pirkei Avot 1:6 it says “Make (take) for yourself a Rabbi, and acquire for yourself a friend.” The importance of this cannot be stressed enough. It means that we need to have someone in our lives who is outside of ourselves, and therefore more likely to be objective, (since human nature is that we alternate between being too hard on ourselves and too soft,) who is more knowledgeable in Torah, and whom we respect, to be a spiritual sounding board. A mentor. It is desirable to have a connection with a competent Rabbi for guidance in areas of Halacha – Jewish law, which covers much more than most of us realize. A competent Rabbi can also sometimes be a resource person to help refer you to other experts you might need, such as people in the medical field who can refer you to the experts you need. Why is this? A community Rabbi often has connections with many people, so he can put this to good use. ‘Acquire a friend,’ does not mean corresponding by social media. I don’t mean that it can’t include that, but unfortunately I have seen statistics that the more that people are involved in their social media, the less social life they actually have. ‘Acquire a friend’ doesn’t have to limit you to one friend either, it can mean that we need to be in an environment of people who share our goals and aspirations, and are willing to help each other along the way. Check out Torah observant communities and Chabad houses.

I mentioned above that returning to (our awareness and focusing our goals on) G-d should be done in a spirit of joy. That is really the most important factor here. In Psalm 100:2 it states “Worship G-d in joy”. You may say, that sounds nice – but how can I be happy when I am sad, or have difficulties? Chassidic teaching explains that joy is the tool for breaking down barriers. We fake it till we make it! Actually, it’s not really a matter of faking, because we are made up of a G-dly soul, as well as what is called an animal soul – meaning the part of our soul that animates – gives life to – our bodies. Along with giving life, the ‘animal soul’ gives us our natural drives, which can be used for good purposes or for less than good purposes. The G-dly soul really is inherently joyous, but the concerns of the ‘animal soul’ cover up on this internal spiritual wealth. Everything I mentioned above, in terms of connection with a Rabbi, a mentor, like-minded friend/friends/community, are part of the toolbox to help your progress.

Hoping to hear good news from you!