Shalom and thank you for your question! You understand that your feelings of frustration and aggravation with the people around you may not necessarily be only a result of their actions, but also perhaps these feelings reflect something within you that can or should be changed. It is clear to you that you need to ‘coexist more happily with people.’ Indeed, that is an all-important goal.
The Code of Jewish law (Chapter 29) deals with character traits that a person should strive to acquire. The chapter begins with an explanation of character types. “People inherently have different approaches… some are more prone to anger and are constantly in that state, and others are more settled and do not become (easily) angered.” There is much more but I quoted the opening words to make the point that the approach of Torah indicates that we must take into account that we are all made differently. Of course there are endless ‘shades of gray’ in character types. Psychologists have also listed many different character types. The awareness that we are all different helps us to stop and think. Perhaps my friend behaves in a certain way because it comes naturally to him, and he simply sees a situation differently than I do. He or she probably has no evil intentions, they are just wired differently. I read a beautiful story about two orphans who were friends and knew that the Torah instructs us to deal very gently with orphans and widows. These two children were each orphaned of one parent. They both knew how orphans should be treated. One of them confided in her mother that her friend had a habit of constantly saying ‘no problem’ which annoyed her. She was concerned that if she told her friend about it she would be hurting the feelings of another orphan. Her mother suggested that she bring the matter up in a nice way. In the end the second orphan came to the first one and brought up the matter that was bothering her! Namely, the first orphan had a habit of constantly saying ‘for sure ‘. So ‘no problem’ was bothering ‘for sure’ and vice versa! We see that while we might find another person’s behavior annoying, it is quite possible that we are rubbing them or others up the wrong way without realizing it!
Another of many Torah sources that is relevant here, is from Pirkei Avot 1:6: “Judge your friend according to the scale of merit”. This means that we should give the next person the benefit of the doubt, always assuming that, in the words of pyschologist Dr. Miriam Adahan, they are “doing the best they can with the tools they have”. This is just as true for family as it is for friends and colleagues.
How do we train ourselves to have a more positive outlook? One possibility is: being grateful to G-d for all the good in our lives, down to the smallest detail. There is a well-known joke about a person on his way to an important meeting and he needs a parking place. He prays for Divine assistance, and when he suddenly finds the parking place, he says. “It’s ok G-d I managed.”:) Many people recommend keeping a gratefulness notebook and writing down all the good things they feel grateful for daily. The Jewish prayer book begins with morning blessings which at face value list many things which many if not most people can be grateful for. If we were able to wake up and go to the bathroom – we have much to be grateful for! The daily prayers are made up of praises to G-d, thanks and requests for physical and spiritual blessings. Praying with concentration and intention can help us have a healthier perspective. To understand the prayers it is desirable to study Torah. All of this can help, especially when we do these things with the intention of refining ourselves spiritually.
To ‘actually like most people’ is definitely what G-d wants us to do. In the book of Tanya, which is a basic text of Chassidic teaching, we are taught that our souls are all connected at the source, and created in the image of G-d. Spiritually we are like one entity, the separation is only external. Our soul is likened to a flame which constantly strives to go upwards and return to its source. If we keep in mind that the person who is annoying us is actually a holy soul searching for its spiritual source, but enclosed in external packaging of a physical body and certain personality traits, just like ourselves, then we can more easily overlook their flaws. On a practical level, the Sages of the Talmud teach us in Pirkei Avot 1:15 to “receive each person with a pleasant face”. A smile is the most pleasant way to receive people. It opens hearts and minds. Moreover, when you make the effort to smile at your fellow, you end up meaning it! The book of Proverbs 27:19 teaches us that “As a face reflects (itself) in water, so is the heart of man to man”. When you smile at your fellow, it arouses him to smile back, and the positive energy can keep rolling if we let it! Of course there are times when it doesn’t work, but that is another bridge to cross. For the meantime, we have discussed a few of the many ways to develop a more positive outlook and behavior pattern.
You may be a character type to whom details are important and you find it difficult to relate to the idea of cutting corners. This might affect your feelings about the people around you…
As with all areas we wish to advance in, it is always recommended to have a good friend or a mentor with whom to discuss issues as they come up. Most of us tend to be a little hard on ourselves at times or too soft at other times. It is therefore a good idea to have a relationship with someone outside of ourselves who can help us be objective. This too is mentioned in Pirkei Avot 1:6. “Make for yourself a Rabbi and acquire for yourself a friend.”
We wish you much success in the adventure of discovering that you really have a lot in common with other people and want to enjoy their company!
