Shalom and thank you for your question! You have portrayed a dramatic change of outlook in your life. You have stepped back, taken an honest look, and stepped forward again, with the brave decision to completely turn your life around, and redirect it to a positive path.
You state that you are ‘moving towards being Shomer Shabbos’. That’s an excellent step, which will help keep you on the right path. Shabbat is the testimony that G-d created (and re-creates) the world, and thus shows acknowledgement of G-d as the Creator and Provider, which already brings about a correct perspective.
Regarding your first question, about atoning ‘for a life of thievery and deception’, there is much to say. Firstly, the word Teshuvah in Hebrew (translates as repentance but means much more,) is comprised of Tashuv Hei – return to G-d – and return G-d to your life! Actually, love for G-d is something that exists inherently inside every Jew, as we learn in the book of Tanya, a basic text of Chassidic teaching. So we only need to reveal this hidden love. We are taught that NOTHING can stand in the way of Teshuvah. The basic steps of Teshuvah in Jewish law are admitting and regretting the sin, resolving to change your ways, and not committing it any more. That is the external aspect, if you will. On a more internal level, in order to really do that seemingly simple procedure, you need a lot of help, and you need to be involved in a different lifestyle and environment so that you don’t lose your resolve to do the right thing. The new lifestyle needs to be one of constant learning and growing in knowledge and practice of Judaism. The way to do this is by establishing a relationship with a Rabbi in whom you can confide, who can help you and mentor your progress. On a practical level, our suggestion is that you try to make a list of the incidents you do remember, (perhaps you will be able to pay them back at some point,) and regarding what you don’t remember or can’t be traced, donate to public causes so that on some level you will be returning money to the public.
The talents that were used in the past for less than positive purposes, may be harnessed to be used for positive purposes like making a living, and helping other people. The reason that you need a lot of help is because, as you say, you were taught certain habits and they became so ingrained that you “don’t remember what it feels like to tell the truth”. That is in addition to the natural propensity all humans have to succumb to temptation unless there is very strong motivation to do otherwise. This is why you need to go through a process of learning, with lots of support from your environment.
To summarize some practical steps:
1. Find a Rabbi and mentor, they could be the same person or two different ones, but must be truly G-d fearing, understanding and caring.
2. Make a list of the incidents you remember, and donate on a regular basis, as much as possible.
3. Learn Torah on a regular basis, and increase the Mitzvot that you keep, in a steadily increasing manner.
Regarding the question of paying Ma’aser, this is one of the reasons that you need to be connected to a Rabbi who understands your situation, and can guide you step by step.
We hope this helps, and we are here if you have further questions. Wishing you much success in your new journey!
