Hi Rabbi, I have a strange problem and I was hoping you might be able to provide some guidance on how to overcome this struggle, maybe how to think about it from a Torah or spiritual standpoint, or any another suggestion to inspire me in my struggle to overcome this….
I have a strange attachment to things. I can’t throw out even certain types of garbage without actually crying and sweating and obsessing over it. I have a small room in my parents house (where I live too- I am 26) full almost from floor to ceiling with things– you can’t even walk in. There are even useless, stupid notes of directions or a shopping list or things like that. It’s very painful to even think of throwing them out, so I’ve let them accumulate. Every year I try to throw things away in there because I feel it all weighing on me and bringing me down, but it’s too hard to do, and I can’t. So far it is contained to that space, but I worry about a time when it will spread, and I want to stop it before it gets to that point. I am also embarrassed of this and don’t want people in my life to know about it. I have tried reading “self help” books and tried all different secular therapy techniques, but nothing has helped me and I haven’t been able to overcome this.
I feel like I am PART of these items and if I throw them out, like I am throwing part of myself out. I feel like it’s all part of who I am. It sounds so stupid. But I don’t know what to do. I also feel nostalgic and sentimental about some of the items, either because they bring back memories of a time or a person, or because someone special gave it to me. And sometimes I think the items may become useful in some way in the future and I may need them again. But I can’t find those things even if I wanted to, because they are buried under everything else!
I don’t seem to know how to draw the line between “acceptable to save” and “should be thrown away”. It is a real problem with decision making too. It probably boils down to a question of ego… but I wouldn’t know how to fix it. I have a great imagination and I can’t even imagine throwing any of it out. I wouldn’t know what to do if I had to. I want to, but every time I try, I just stand there and feel too paralyzed or emotional to do anything. If someone touches anything or even suggests throwing it out, I break down crying.
Do you have any guidance on how to handle this? Or something that I can think about as I try to throw things out or something to “answer back” to my mind when I don’t let myself throw things out? Even something spiritual to scare me, or anything at all to help. And if by some miracle, if I ever do clean these things out, how can I think of things to prevent this from happening again?
This has been weighing on me for years and getting worse as I get older. I am a very strong person but I still lose these battles with my mind, it is too overpowering and it’s draining me. I feel trapped in my mind and my body and I feel so desperate to get help and fix this. I know it seems so silly — just throw out this garbage! But I can’t do it!! And I don’t know what to do.
Thank you so much for reading this and for anything you can suggest here.