Hi Rabbi,
I’m hoping you can advise me on how to help my brothers reconnect. They were very close until recently. Ezra is older. He is 36 and just got married. Saul is 34 and single. They both completely left Judaism for most of their adult lives, but in the last 5 years they came home, have become complete baalei teshuva, and turned their lives and goals around. They always were best friends and looked out for each other. Ezra, as the older one, always tried to protect Saul, who was a bit more fragile. This was so much so, that Ezra never wanted to date until Saul was married because he didn’t want Saul to feel left behind… but circumstances changed this summer and a girl appeared in his life and it didn’t make sense to refuse it. Saul is happy for Ezra, but their relationship has changed in the last few months, and we’re not really sure what happened. Ezra had to move from NJ (where he was with his brother) to NY for his wife. Meanwhile Saul has recently been dealing with a lot of stresses (illness, finances, and… life) but his state of mind is always fragile to begin with and he is prone to depression. He’s not confiding in Ezra as he used to. Maybe he doesn’t want to “bother” him since he’s married, I am not sure what his reasons are. He’s not answering Ezra in the usual natural way. They haven’t been learning together anymore. Ezra says he feels like there is a wedge between them and Saul is cordial and friendly but it’s awkward because he knows Saul and it’s not their usual dynamic. This is making Ezra depressed and Ezra is coming to resent his new wife because he feels as though she took him away from his brother, as Ezra moved from NJ to NY per her needs. Ezra wants to be with his brother and be there for him because clearly he’s struggling through something and (Ezra thinks Saul may resent Ezra for showing him the “truth” of the Torah because he became a baal teshuvah but still doesn’t feel like he belongs in that world?), or maybe Saul is just depressed for other reasons, but either way he has closed out Ezra, and Ezra used to be the only person who was ever able to really reach Saul when he was down. Saul hasn’t shut himself out to the rest of us, and spends a lot of time by our sister in NJ, but it’s not the same. Ezra misses his brother, doesn’t know how to address and repair the tension, and wants to help his brother in the way that only he can. I’m sure Saul misses his brother too, if I know him. Saul is fragile and would not respond well if Ezra directly said something like “why have you been so distant with me…”. He’d need a more round-about way to get to him. It breaks my heart to know there is distance between them and that they are both in pain. I don’t know what to do to help them fix things. Any suggestions would be so greatly appreciated!!
(changed names)