Shalom and thank you for turning to us! You raise many very important issues. Among them, the gravity of speaking lashon hara, the possibilities of repenting for it, and earning a place in Olam Haba. The fact that you are reaching out for a solution is to be highly commended – and we are guaranteed by our Sages (Tractate Shabbat 104a) that he who comes to be purified is aided (from Heaven).
I will address the matter of Teshuvah which is translated usually as repentance but means so much more. What is Teshuvah? The Hebrew word is composed of two words: ‘תשוב ה, which represents the idea of returning to G-d. After all, when we transgress, we are moving ourselves away from the Divine Presence. G-d is actually everywhere and nothing exists outside of G-d, however as is explained in the book of Tanya by Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, G-d is constantly recreating the world, and truthfully, physical matter is really only like a coalescence of spiritual energy. Nevertheless, G-dliness is hidden from us! We are unable to perceive it, and thus can come to sin. Furthermore, we are comprised of a body and a soul. The soul is actually a veritable part of G-d above. It strives to return to its G-dly source, while the ‘animal soul’, the part of the soul that animates – gives life to – our physical body, strives only to achieve our physical needs and desires. We are here in order to struggle – to achieve the ideal balance between them, whereby we satisfy our bodily needs only in order to serve G-d all the better, rather than cater only to our egos. There is a part of G-d that He most reluctantly enclothes in the negative forces of the world so that we will have free choice. We are meant to use this free choice in order to rectify and elevate the world, thereby freeing the hidden G-dliness from the forces of impurity. When we mess up, but choose to fix up, and we do so sincerely (!) we are returning the Hebrew letter Hei to the name of G-d. That is part of the meaning of ‘תשוב ה, which makes up the word תשובה – Teshuvah. Return the hidden G-dliness.
Moreover, sincere Teshuvah brings a person to a higher place than he was before! The Talmud says: “Rabbi Abahu said: The place where a Ba’al Teshuvah (someone who is truly returning to G-d) stands cannot be occupied (even) by a completely righteous person, as it says in Isaiah 57:19 ‘Peace be upon you, peace be upon you to (those) far away and (those) who are near.'” In other words, sincere Teshuvah can not only make up for transgressions, but can bring you to a higher level and rectify the world! The quote from Isaiah translates the word ‘shalom’ as peace. Shalom also means wholeness or completeness. A person who returns to G-d is taking the broken connection and making it whole again, he is making himself a person who is at peace inside of himself because he has worked on the missing pieces.
So how do you compensate for the transgression of lashon hara? You mention the Chafetz Chaim. Indeed a story is attributed to him that a person came to him and asked how to repent for the sin of lashon hara. The Chafetz Chayim asked him to bring a feather pillow. He thereafter told him to open the pillow and release the feathers from it, outside in the wind. “Now,” said the Chafetz Chayim, “go and retrieve the feathers.” Unfortunately that is TECHNICALLY virtually impossible, just as once we have spoken badly about someone, the words cannot be retrieved. A transgression between man and his fellow can only be forgiven if the victim forgives the person who wronged him. However in the case of lashon hara having been spoken, a person is not obligated in every case to ask for forgiveness if telling the person what happened will cause him embarrassment or humiliation or other negative emotions. So what can be done?
In the laws of keeping kosher there is a principle that (in most cases) an item is kashered the way it became unkosher. For example if something became unkosher in heat, the manner of kashering it will often be through heat. If one sinned with speech, one should use speech for good things, such as learning Torah – especially the laws pertaining to the area in which he was remiss, and if possible he/she should teach them to others. If I spoke critically or negatively to or about others, I should now make an effort to go to the other extreme and actively search out the good in others and highlight it in my interactions with them. One should try to increase in acts of goodness and kindness and encourage others to do so.
Why do we transgress in the first place? The Chafetz Chayim points out that the tendency to belittle one’s fellow is in order to raise one’s own image in his own eyes and the eyes of others. A person who feels the need to belittle others is not at peace with himself. When searching for the good, start with yourself. This may be the hardest for you and you may need help with that from someone outside of yourself. I recently realized that the reason I found it difficult for many years to forgive a certain person for a minor offense was because many years earlier I had felt that the person was rejecting my efforts to be friends. When you understand your self-worth, you will be less inclined to view others in a negative light. Even though I haven’t met you, I can promise you that you have many good qualities.
Regarding Olam Haba, we must simply do our best in this world. G-d is merciful and will surely have mercy on us. We are even promised that with Teshuvah done sincerely and thoroughly, our past sins will be turned into merits! This is something that G-d is able to do – not us, but our sincere efforts can help bring it about!
It is strongly recommended to carry out the instruction in Pirkei Avot of “Make for yourself a Rabbi and acquire for yourself a friend.” It is very important to have someone with whom you can consult about Halachic matters and someone more learned than you that you respect, with whom to discuss your spiritual goals, who can offer guidance and encouragement.
By the way, the idea that you may not need to keep mizvot any more because you might be a lost cause comes from the opposite side to holiness. How do I know? There is a simple test. If the idea brings me forward in my service of G-d, to study more Torah and carry out more Torah laws and improve my character, it comes from the side of holiness. If it discourages me or holds me back in any way from the performance of Torah and mitzvot and character refinement, it is not from the side of holiness. G-d created the world to be a place where the good will eventually totally conquer the evil, we have the responsibility to make that happen. Slacking off from Torah and mitzvot because I need to work harder at one or more particular areas will not advance that goal. It is like the analogy of the person who drills a hole in the floor of his cubicle in the boat. The entire boat and everyone in it can sink – it isn’t just a private matter.
Again, you have reached out for a solution and that in itself is a major move forward! We wish you much success in your journey!
