halom and thank you for turning to us! You are suffering from a relationship with a relative in your life and it feels like all she is doing is spreading poison on a constant basis. Your question is, if I understand correctly, how to deal with the negative feelings that this situation engenders within you, since as you say, you are not able to move away and thus avoid the regular confrontation with this trial. As you correctly point out, the Torah bids us not to harbor hate in our hearts, and in any case, it is not pleasant and not healthy to have to deal with such feelings. It is admirable that you are reaching out without blame, genuinely seeking constructive answers.
Firstly, I want to assure you that I believe everything you say about the sister in question, and it is definitely not easy. Let’s try to examine the situation a bit more. Your sister’s husband chose to marry her, and since then has concerned himself with fulfilling her needs and wants. Perhaps there is a good side to her that isn’t being highlighted in your account? How could this be possible? You describe a negative kind of spontaneity, a need to ‘say it like it is’. I believe that every character trait that G-d created, potentially has a good side and a bad side to it. Your sister’s spontaneity perhaps manifests sometimes also in a positive way, which is possibly attractive to some of the people around her. Another reason that people may be influenced by her personality is because she SOUNDS confident, and people subconsciously follow the lead of someone who speaks with apparent confidence and determination, whether or not the topic they are speaking about is important to the listeners! I’ll bet if you see a video without sound, of someone speaking with apparent conviction, it will seem impressive even though you don’t know what is being said – and maybe they are speaking about nonsense!
Let’s look even a little deeper.. A person who feels the constant need to complain and to belittle, is a person who feels very small and empty inside. I do not know what caused her to feel this way, but unless she truly has a mental illness, (which I do not have any expertise in,) your sister is someone who has simply developed very negative coping mechanisms in her life. The Torah approach (if we are not talking about genuine mental illness,) is that a person who puts others down is attempting to raise themselves up. Obviously this is not the ‘way to go’, but it does reflect the truth about how the person feels inside about themselves. Perhaps the stain on the carpet is insulting to her because deep inside she is afraid she is not worthy of something truly good, therefore whatever she is given cannot be truly good! Groucho Marx is said to have claimed that he would not want to be a member of any club that would accept him as a member!
Now the question is, what can YOU do for yourself, to deal with this very challenging and disturbing situation? Obviously you cannot directly attempt to change your sister, or even the attitudes of the other family members. The ‘first-aid’ approach that I would recommend is to try to focus on everything else in your life other than what your sister says and does. When the feelings come up, shake hands with them and say:” Hi! I recognize you, we are well acquainted in fact, but I want to get on with my life today and you are taking up valuable space in my psyche, so move aside for a moment while I focus on my daily goals.”
What you can do, and should try to do, is to build yourself up in your own estimation. Are you a worthy person in your own eyes? If you are not a hundred percent sure, then insults and put downs from others can be experienced in a very painful way. The psychologist Dr. Miriam Adahan says that every act of self control is an act of self esteem. Self control is not just a question of fewer doughnuts on Chanukah. It is also a matter of taking proactive steps, which In Chassidic terminology is called utilizing the spiritual energy of Netzach – Victory. (One of seven emotion powers which are part of the ten spiritual energies that we all have flowing inside in slightly different combinations.) To put that into practice means that first you need to be clear on what your own goals are in your life. When that is clear, the next step is to plan out, (with the aid of a spiritual mentor and/or life coach, or at least a truly good friend,) what steps you are going to take, slowly but surely, to reach those goals. This is a transformative process, and once you are approaching your life in this manner, comments and criticism from outside of yourself will feel much further away than they did before. They will not affect you as negatively.
It is a good idea to try to obtain a translation of a classic Jewish ethical work called Chovot haLevavot. Specifically the section called Shaar haBitachon, (the Gate of Trust,) is recommended by the Lubavitcher Rebbe as an important tool in increasing our trust in HaShem. Why do we need this? When the challenges we face threaten to overwhelm us, we need help.
Much has been said and written about taking a deep breath. Actually many people find it to be helpful when anxiety or negative emotions engulf us. There is a short Kabbalistic breathing excercise called Chedva. חדוה. This word is one of many Hebrew terms for different types of happiness. Each Hebrew letter has numerical value, so the first letter., chet, has the value of 8. You breathe in mentalling counting to eight, possibly naming the Hebrew letters till Chet, hold your breath for Daled, 4, release air for vav, 6, and then release more for Hei, 5. Repeat this process 3 or more times. Of course this is only a suggestion!
We cannot conclude without the matter of prayer. There is formal prayer in the siddur which is a very important means of daily connection with G-d. However, since one of the main reasons we pray is because we are commanded to ask G-d to provide for our needs, it follows that we can and should turn to G-d to seek answers and help in every area of our lives. We can communicate with G-d at all times and ask Him to help us understand and meet the challenges He sends us!
We wish you much success in all your endeavors, and especially in the matter of achieving an inner harmony which will shine out and affect those around you to the point where they themselves will be influenced to go in the same direction.
