Regarding going to visit the a grave of a deceased after many years of not being there is discussion amongst halachic authorities if this is a true and valid concern.
In the following responsa I will g-d willing collect some of the different halchic approaches to this concern, as some halchic authorities hold that there is no such concern and some hold there is no concern if one never visited the grave .
[1]
While others point out to the common custom to be careful with this and the idea is that it is because one didn’t come for so many years so the special contact with the parents has been loss or that he has not honored them properly therefore he cannot come now either. this concern is specifically with regards to one’s parents upon whom one has a obligation to honor and not grandparents or other relatives.
[2]
How long is the time frame?
Some hold that one should not visit after seven years,
[3] Others write ten years while others write 20 years.
[4]
Is this in any situation?
Some halachic authorities write that the concern is specifically if one lived nearby and out of laziness did not come to visit the grave of his relative however if one lived far away and therefore was not able to make the trip then there is no concern and so too if one lived nearby yet didn’t come to visit because they were not able to then this concern doesn’t apply, some point out that if one has
once visited the grave then this concern doesn’t apply (if they didn’t come back due to a
onees – duress ).
[5]
Some halachic authorities maintain that the primary concern is that the parent “forgot” of his connection with his family therefore they write that if the family has constantly been visiting the grave so there is a continuous connection with the deceased this concern does not apply.
[6]
Another point given being that there is concern that he lost contact with his family A suggestion given is to have a messenger go to the grave site and inform that the relative is coming to visit and halachic authorities add that it is appropriate to do so also in a situation when was not able to come due to duress.
[7]
Another idea given is to go to the graves neighboring his parents and ask them to inform his parents that their child has come to visit (there is actually a special prayer written to say by the neighbors graves in which one donates tzedakah in their memory as well.
[8]
Some advice that one goes with another relative (who was there recently and stand a little distant from the grave.
In practice one should try to go within the allotted time and if he didn’t manage to he should try to go with one of the abovementioned methods as the mitz
[9]vah of honoring ones parents is very great and surely the parents will forgive him.
Regarding visiting the resting place of a tzaddik this concern doesn’t apply just as we find that kalev ben yefunah visited avos in maras hamchpelah many years after their passing.
[1]ראה ס’ דרכי חיים ושלום סי’ תתרי”ב (שהגאון ממונקאץ אמר דלא שמיע ליה שום מקור לזה).
[2] ראה שו”ת תירוש ויצהר סי’ קמ”ו.
[3]ספר משמרת שלום – הליכה על קבר אבות אות ל”ב.
[4] יוסף דעת יו”ד סי’ שנ”ה.
[5]ראה שו”ת משנה הלכות ח”ו סי’ ר”ח.
[6] שו”ת אפרקסתא דעניא.
[7] בכל המובא כאן ראה ס’ כל בו ליאהר צייט חלק ב’ פרק ח’ סימן ב’ סעיף ז’.
[8] מועד כל חי פ”ה.
[9] ראה שו”ת משנ”ה שםץ
