My husband and I are baalei-tshuva. My husband keeps contact with friends from his past, some of whom are women, and does not hide it from me. I’m not sure how to deal with this. I understand that one needs to respect one’s spouse, but where is the boundary? How should I react in the context of a Torah observant life? How should the home be run with regard to this topic? How should both of us behave with regard to our friends from the past? All the best and thanks in advance!
Marriage requires making decisions. It also means that there should not be any friendly relationships between a husband and his former girlfriends, or a wife and her former boyfriends. If a former boyfriend or girlfriend calls, you can be polite and answer, as long as the conversation is just for the sake of politeness. The conversation should be short and superficial, just in order not to hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s not so bad, just make sure not to get drawn into a long conversation in an overly friendly style. If the caller does not understand that the relationship cannot continue, then you will just have to be tough and ignore them.
All of this constitutes the desired state of affairs. The journey to this state should be one of respect to one’s spouse and not in a manner of blame. Present it as a joint project that both of you need to work on, rather than a problem that HE has. Hopefully, as your marriage grows and becomes strengthened, these kinds of issues and dilemmas will become fewer, with HaShem’s help.
Don’t be afraid to be decisive about this topic, but in a pleasant manner, without blame or anger. Emphasize the good things about your husband, and the things you like. If all the above is not helping enough, it is worthwhile getting counseling.
DAAT coordinators offer assistance and guidance based on Torah and Chassidut in halachic, motivational and family matters to rabbis, leaders and to individuals. The rabbis at DAAT provide answers that appear on this site. If you have any questions, feel free to contact us. Fill in the attached questionnaire and you will receive an answer by email as soon as possible.